Hi all & (although I know that youre probably all sick of hearing this, but Ill say it anyway!) Happy New Year!
Sorry - this is a long one, but it really is well worth reading through!
I wanted to tell you what has been happening in the hope that it may provide at least one person with a degree of hope!
I was severely abused as a child and young adult for 13 years. At the age of 16 I was placed on medication to help with the resulting anxiety and depression that I suffered. I took different forms of antidepressants for 11 years - only to get worse. I was self-harming, making sever suicide attempts, having hallucinations & paranoid ideation, to name just a few. During the times when I was not on the medications I was fine, but never put 2 & 2 together to come up with 4 - it was the drugs that were causing this severe deterioration. I was taking Effexor for the past year or so & had horrific side effects. I've withdrawn from the medications now & feel great!
Im getting rapidly better by the day the only disadvantage is that I have been so debilitated by these drugs that I have had a years work of work to catch up on. Im getting there slowly! I've managed to start going out & even went to my first service yesterday in my new Parish! Ive applied for 5 jobs & been short listed for them all (Ive been for one interview and was offered the job, but Im holding out for the better ones!). The one that I really want is a Manager Assistants position with the Mental Health & Substance Misuse Primary Care Team. Ive spoken to the manager & she said that she thought that I was perfect & even said she was looking forward to seeing me at interview. Its really good a change in direction but a chance to put myself on a platform where my voice can be heard re. changes that I feel need to be made. Im so enthusiastic about the position that Ive literally dedicated the past 4 days to it; Ive completed the application form, formed a Word presentation that demonstrates that I fill all the essential & desirable criteria, produced a PowerPoint presentation on a floppy disk and so much more. Even when I should have been out celebrating the New Year, I was still sat at my PC at 4 a.m. working on the application! Did you have nice New Year? I hope that you did.
The day before was disheartening to say the least. I had a discharge consultation with my mental health worker and consultant psychiatrist & had complied a comprehensive portfolio containing a presentation of all the adverse effects of SSRIs & related drugs in the hope that he would reconsider the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder that he slapped on me after meeting with me on only two occasions. (Just to explain, a diagnosis of BPD would effectively end my career in mental health, despite Equal Opportunity legislation because as we all know, even though there are laws & policies theyre frequently not even worth the paper that theyre written on!). He refused to even look at my evidence and still maintained that he stuck by his diagnosis and basically suggested that my hypothesis was incorrect and not worth an ounce of consideration! After the initial diagnosis was given (which was sent by message by my mental health worker who couldnt even remember the official diagnostic title, let alone be able to answer any of my questions regarding how & why the diagnosis was reached, and implications in terms of treatment etc.) I requested a second opinion, which was given by his close colleague (without even meeting me), on the basis of an analysis of the initial consultants notes. He wrote a letter to my mental health support worker, maintaining that I could not see it, but that the contents could be discussed (although I was subsequently allowed to read it in the meeting, but was informed that I was not allowed a copy - they are aware that I am in touch with various agencies and experts, and I perceive that they are concerned regarding potential ramifications). Basically, the contents firmly confirmed the diagnosis (what a surprise, considering the Old Boys Club mentality of psychiatrists, but also went on to maintain that I should no longer pursue a career in mental health as I was a danger to myself & others!). I telephoned him to request a meeting to discuss his conclusions, but he firmly declined (yet another surprise!). Following much insistence on my part I was allowed to read the letter that he had written, but he refused to let me have a copy (I can only presume that this is attributable to the fact that he is aware that I am in correspondence with experts in the field). I left the meeting feeling completely dejected my poor fiancé must be at the end of his tether with my roller-coaster of emotions resulting from this lack of willingness to listen, understand, and admittance of misdiagnosis!
Anyway, I still went to collect the application form and decided to make an appointment with my General Practitioner, whom I have generally avoided recently because of her ambivalent attitude towards me. We both have very strong personalities and have therefore clashed in the past (especially when I have had verbally aggressive outbursts due to the medication). Admittedly, she blows hot & cold on contact with me but I can only attribute this to the behaviour caused by the medications. I was amazed she listened to my theory and evidence and my impression was that she thought that my hypothesis could be correct she even gave me a yellow card to complete, which Im going to do after analysing my medical records, as Ive been on so many different Serotonin effecting medications its going to make the reporting process complex. She also basically slated the 2nd psychiatrist - LOL! She said that she was amazed at how well that I looked & also made an appointment with me to photocopy all my medical records (so I can still get my hands on that letter I wasnt allowed to copy, as well as being able to analyse periods of emotional instability and correlate these with the medications that I was prescribed!). In order for me to be accepted for any of the positions that I have applied for I must have medical clearance & thats why I visited her to discuss it with her. She said she would not mention the Dx of BPD, but rather that I should declare that I suffered with mild anxiety and depressive symptoms resulting from trauma during childhood. She also maintained that if they were to contact her re. this she would maintain that this should in no way effect my ability to do my day to day work. We clash at times, but she is great!
So lifes on the way up by the day! A few weeks ago I couldnt answer the door or telephone as I was petrified. Now Im going out to interviews and having lengthy face-to-face communications with people that used to instil terror in to me (I even had 2 successful visits with my mother in law over Christmas something never known previously!). I actually enjoyed it! Its like listening to tales of near death experiences I had my life ripped away from me & now that I have it back its like seeing the world through bright new eyes! I know that it sounds strange, but I have realised that I have so much & also have been missing out on so much too! Ive been on Serotonin effecting drugs on and off for 11 years & feel that Ive missed out on so much as a result. At least now I know the cause of all the trials & tribulations that I have been through & better still, I can avoid them in the future!
Its true to say that I still have issues from my past child abuse to deal with, but I feel so much stronger and positive to be able to deal with them.
I know that this may sound strange (and unless youre on the other side of the meds i.e. completely withdrawn, it wont make sense), but I consider myself to be fortunate in many ways by the experiences that I have been through with the medications, including:
I have been able to identify & explain what has happened to me for the past 11 years & thus am able to assure myself that I can prevent it from happening again.
I have gained an awareness of the issues surrounding this area that I would not have done had I not experienced what I did.
I have been able to understand the abuse that I sustained (because my mother was prescribed similar medications by the bucket-load) therefore aiding the healing process.
I have gained the most amazing and unbelievable perspective and appreciation of life. What is it they say you have to reach the bottom depths to appreciate life?
I have been fortunate enough to be able to be blessed with a complete knowledge of how others must be feeling & therefore am in a position to help them.
Im now finally managing to getting back to my research & writing papers. My research takes precedence at the moment as its an important part of my degree. Its a survey about Online Mental Health Peer Support. Its in the Pilot stage at the moment, so Im looking for people who are willing to take between 5 & 10 minutes to have a look at the survey & then complete a feedback form with your comments & suggestions. I feel that this is a really important research area, since just about everyone that I have talked to about it sings its praises, but also suggest improvements that could be made & other ideas this is an opportunity for me to put all these down in to an article, which will hopefully (at least partially) be actioned upon. Im initially looking for people to provide feedback from which I will make the suggested amendments. Then Ill be looking for people to actually take part in the survey & have their say. Its completely anonymous & I can send anyone who is interested all the information. If you are in the slightest bit interested either in the pilot or actual study, then please contact me at heidi_booth@hotmail.com & Ill send you all the info. I know that I have gained so much from using the Internet to help me overcome my mental health problems thats why this is so dear to my heart. Please, if you can spare the time then contact me!
The other two projects that I have started to work on are articles titled:
On Being Sane in an Insane Mental Health System: Has Anything Changed Since Rosenhan?
(For anyone that may be unfamiliar with Rosenhan, he basically did a study in 1973 where he recruited people that were deemed to be mentally well, and got them to report hallucinations. All participants were admitted to various psychiatric institutions. His results, in brief, demonstrated:
o Inappropriate admittance to the institutions, despite the participants giving honest accounts of their experiences and mental health states during in-depth interviewing.
o Participants were misdiagnosed with mental health problems such as schizophrenia.
o That participants were not discharged until they could prove to staff that they were sane despite the fact that they displayed no abnormal behaviour during their time in the institutions (a public show of sanity was noted in all participants medical records). What happened to being innocent before being proved guilty?
o The participants (whom Rosenhan referred to as pseudopatients) still retained their diagnosis upon discharge, but were classed as being in remission.
o Normal behaviour was disregarded/overlooked by mental heath professionals.
o The interpretation of any behaviours displayed by the pseudopatients was interpreted in a way that confirmed the (incorrect) diagnosis that they had originally been given.
AND
Are psychopharmaceuticals the straight jacket of the 21st Century?
These papers are only in draft form at the moment, but if anyone would like to see the completed versions please let me know & Ill send them to you.
BTW: I DO NOT RECEIVE ANY PAYMENT FOR ANY OF MY RESEARCH I AM MERELY COMMITTED TO AWARENESS RAISING OF THESE ISSUES IN THE HOPE THAT THINGS WILL IMPROVE!
Anyway, thank-you for listening to me ramble on & please remember things can get better Im living proof!
Also, please get in touch with me at heidi_booth@hotmail.com if you feel that you can contribute in any way change does not occur without even a little effort!
Best wishes & God Bless,
Heidi
Sorry - this is a long one, but it really is well worth reading through!
I wanted to tell you what has been happening in the hope that it may provide at least one person with a degree of hope!
I was severely abused as a child and young adult for 13 years. At the age of 16 I was placed on medication to help with the resulting anxiety and depression that I suffered. I took different forms of antidepressants for 11 years - only to get worse. I was self-harming, making sever suicide attempts, having hallucinations & paranoid ideation, to name just a few. During the times when I was not on the medications I was fine, but never put 2 & 2 together to come up with 4 - it was the drugs that were causing this severe deterioration. I was taking Effexor for the past year or so & had horrific side effects. I've withdrawn from the medications now & feel great!
Im getting rapidly better by the day the only disadvantage is that I have been so debilitated by these drugs that I have had a years work of work to catch up on. Im getting there slowly! I've managed to start going out & even went to my first service yesterday in my new Parish! Ive applied for 5 jobs & been short listed for them all (Ive been for one interview and was offered the job, but Im holding out for the better ones!). The one that I really want is a Manager Assistants position with the Mental Health & Substance Misuse Primary Care Team. Ive spoken to the manager & she said that she thought that I was perfect & even said she was looking forward to seeing me at interview. Its really good a change in direction but a chance to put myself on a platform where my voice can be heard re. changes that I feel need to be made. Im so enthusiastic about the position that Ive literally dedicated the past 4 days to it; Ive completed the application form, formed a Word presentation that demonstrates that I fill all the essential & desirable criteria, produced a PowerPoint presentation on a floppy disk and so much more. Even when I should have been out celebrating the New Year, I was still sat at my PC at 4 a.m. working on the application! Did you have nice New Year? I hope that you did.
The day before was disheartening to say the least. I had a discharge consultation with my mental health worker and consultant psychiatrist & had complied a comprehensive portfolio containing a presentation of all the adverse effects of SSRIs & related drugs in the hope that he would reconsider the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder that he slapped on me after meeting with me on only two occasions. (Just to explain, a diagnosis of BPD would effectively end my career in mental health, despite Equal Opportunity legislation because as we all know, even though there are laws & policies theyre frequently not even worth the paper that theyre written on!). He refused to even look at my evidence and still maintained that he stuck by his diagnosis and basically suggested that my hypothesis was incorrect and not worth an ounce of consideration! After the initial diagnosis was given (which was sent by message by my mental health worker who couldnt even remember the official diagnostic title, let alone be able to answer any of my questions regarding how & why the diagnosis was reached, and implications in terms of treatment etc.) I requested a second opinion, which was given by his close colleague (without even meeting me), on the basis of an analysis of the initial consultants notes. He wrote a letter to my mental health support worker, maintaining that I could not see it, but that the contents could be discussed (although I was subsequently allowed to read it in the meeting, but was informed that I was not allowed a copy - they are aware that I am in touch with various agencies and experts, and I perceive that they are concerned regarding potential ramifications). Basically, the contents firmly confirmed the diagnosis (what a surprise, considering the Old Boys Club mentality of psychiatrists, but also went on to maintain that I should no longer pursue a career in mental health as I was a danger to myself & others!). I telephoned him to request a meeting to discuss his conclusions, but he firmly declined (yet another surprise!). Following much insistence on my part I was allowed to read the letter that he had written, but he refused to let me have a copy (I can only presume that this is attributable to the fact that he is aware that I am in correspondence with experts in the field). I left the meeting feeling completely dejected my poor fiancé must be at the end of his tether with my roller-coaster of emotions resulting from this lack of willingness to listen, understand, and admittance of misdiagnosis!
Anyway, I still went to collect the application form and decided to make an appointment with my General Practitioner, whom I have generally avoided recently because of her ambivalent attitude towards me. We both have very strong personalities and have therefore clashed in the past (especially when I have had verbally aggressive outbursts due to the medication). Admittedly, she blows hot & cold on contact with me but I can only attribute this to the behaviour caused by the medications. I was amazed she listened to my theory and evidence and my impression was that she thought that my hypothesis could be correct she even gave me a yellow card to complete, which Im going to do after analysing my medical records, as Ive been on so many different Serotonin effecting medications its going to make the reporting process complex. She also basically slated the 2nd psychiatrist - LOL! She said that she was amazed at how well that I looked & also made an appointment with me to photocopy all my medical records (so I can still get my hands on that letter I wasnt allowed to copy, as well as being able to analyse periods of emotional instability and correlate these with the medications that I was prescribed!). In order for me to be accepted for any of the positions that I have applied for I must have medical clearance & thats why I visited her to discuss it with her. She said she would not mention the Dx of BPD, but rather that I should declare that I suffered with mild anxiety and depressive symptoms resulting from trauma during childhood. She also maintained that if they were to contact her re. this she would maintain that this should in no way effect my ability to do my day to day work. We clash at times, but she is great!
So lifes on the way up by the day! A few weeks ago I couldnt answer the door or telephone as I was petrified. Now Im going out to interviews and having lengthy face-to-face communications with people that used to instil terror in to me (I even had 2 successful visits with my mother in law over Christmas something never known previously!). I actually enjoyed it! Its like listening to tales of near death experiences I had my life ripped away from me & now that I have it back its like seeing the world through bright new eyes! I know that it sounds strange, but I have realised that I have so much & also have been missing out on so much too! Ive been on Serotonin effecting drugs on and off for 11 years & feel that Ive missed out on so much as a result. At least now I know the cause of all the trials & tribulations that I have been through & better still, I can avoid them in the future!
Its true to say that I still have issues from my past child abuse to deal with, but I feel so much stronger and positive to be able to deal with them.
I know that this may sound strange (and unless youre on the other side of the meds i.e. completely withdrawn, it wont make sense), but I consider myself to be fortunate in many ways by the experiences that I have been through with the medications, including:
I have been able to identify & explain what has happened to me for the past 11 years & thus am able to assure myself that I can prevent it from happening again.
I have gained an awareness of the issues surrounding this area that I would not have done had I not experienced what I did.
I have been able to understand the abuse that I sustained (because my mother was prescribed similar medications by the bucket-load) therefore aiding the healing process.
I have gained the most amazing and unbelievable perspective and appreciation of life. What is it they say you have to reach the bottom depths to appreciate life?
I have been fortunate enough to be able to be blessed with a complete knowledge of how others must be feeling & therefore am in a position to help them.
Im now finally managing to getting back to my research & writing papers. My research takes precedence at the moment as its an important part of my degree. Its a survey about Online Mental Health Peer Support. Its in the Pilot stage at the moment, so Im looking for people who are willing to take between 5 & 10 minutes to have a look at the survey & then complete a feedback form with your comments & suggestions. I feel that this is a really important research area, since just about everyone that I have talked to about it sings its praises, but also suggest improvements that could be made & other ideas this is an opportunity for me to put all these down in to an article, which will hopefully (at least partially) be actioned upon. Im initially looking for people to provide feedback from which I will make the suggested amendments. Then Ill be looking for people to actually take part in the survey & have their say. Its completely anonymous & I can send anyone who is interested all the information. If you are in the slightest bit interested either in the pilot or actual study, then please contact me at heidi_booth@hotmail.com & Ill send you all the info. I know that I have gained so much from using the Internet to help me overcome my mental health problems thats why this is so dear to my heart. Please, if you can spare the time then contact me!
The other two projects that I have started to work on are articles titled:
On Being Sane in an Insane Mental Health System: Has Anything Changed Since Rosenhan?
(For anyone that may be unfamiliar with Rosenhan, he basically did a study in 1973 where he recruited people that were deemed to be mentally well, and got them to report hallucinations. All participants were admitted to various psychiatric institutions. His results, in brief, demonstrated:
o Inappropriate admittance to the institutions, despite the participants giving honest accounts of their experiences and mental health states during in-depth interviewing.
o Participants were misdiagnosed with mental health problems such as schizophrenia.
o That participants were not discharged until they could prove to staff that they were sane despite the fact that they displayed no abnormal behaviour during their time in the institutions (a public show of sanity was noted in all participants medical records). What happened to being innocent before being proved guilty?
o The participants (whom Rosenhan referred to as pseudopatients) still retained their diagnosis upon discharge, but were classed as being in remission.
o Normal behaviour was disregarded/overlooked by mental heath professionals.
o The interpretation of any behaviours displayed by the pseudopatients was interpreted in a way that confirmed the (incorrect) diagnosis that they had originally been given.
AND
Are psychopharmaceuticals the straight jacket of the 21st Century?
These papers are only in draft form at the moment, but if anyone would like to see the completed versions please let me know & Ill send them to you.
BTW: I DO NOT RECEIVE ANY PAYMENT FOR ANY OF MY RESEARCH I AM MERELY COMMITTED TO AWARENESS RAISING OF THESE ISSUES IN THE HOPE THAT THINGS WILL IMPROVE!
Anyway, thank-you for listening to me ramble on & please remember things can get better Im living proof!
Also, please get in touch with me at heidi_booth@hotmail.com if you feel that you can contribute in any way change does not occur without even a little effort!
Best wishes & God Bless,
Heidi
